A slice of me! · Pondering Thoughts

Stepping out of fear…

Stepping out of fear…deeper into love. I am grateful.

Our family has recently started attending The Venues in Springfield, Missouri and we could not be more happy with our decision to do so. A congregation that truly gets out and does what Jesus came to teach us is thrilling. To hear a pastor plant seeds of truth, of a different perspective, on love and what Jesus really came to show us; is amazing. All the things he preaches each Sunday seem to just be in alignment with my thoughts and feelings. This is how I know source has me where I need to be.

I prayed, and I prayed I would find a place to take my family. A place where Eric would begin to dig into the spiritual man I wanted in my life. A man connected to spirit within. I began doing some ‘googling’ and happened upon a podcast by Pastor Phillip Wright at The Venues. It was the month of February and the topic for this sermon: “Do Christians have it right?”.

I was intrigued. I had to listen.  He spoke about how Christians brought many dark and horrible things into history, and perhaps still are. He talked the horrors of slavery and the Baptist connection within the history. He spoke on the reasons why many seem to step away from church.

I was an individual who had stepped away.

Growing up I have always had a knowing, a deep connection to source. I grew up in church very young. When we moved from Maui to Missouri my parents began working a lot. I still chose to catch rides with friends and head to church. From very young I would question the teachings internally. I saw the contradictions upon what I was taught, and the adults around me and this knowing of something different. Little did I know then I had this connection already within. I had not forgotten upon entry.  I paid attention to every thing. I grew up hearing, “not to speak unless spoken to” so I just stored these things in the Rolodex. I questioned internally, and just kept soaking up the world before me.

As I grew, there was a time that fear had deeply set in. I was lost and in a dark space for sure. The very ones who should have supported me, the ones who associated with Christianity were nowhere to be found. They were far from being seen. I stepped away from church, I felt hurt and judgement in the sanctuary, this was not for me.

If not for this alignment however, I would not have met Eric. I would not have the family that I do. If not for every step along this journey, I would not be right where I am now.

Eric did not heavily grow up in church. His mother a practicing shaman raised him to see spirit in all. Judy was and forever will be one of my earth angels. Spirit knew what was happening when she aligned me with Nana. I love my husband, but I tell all, I met him BECAUSE I HAD TO MEET my mother-in-law.

She helped me release the word crazy from my world. I had so much anger at this point stored up, so much hurt from the stories that I have already shifted in my life, from the fear that I had from sharing that I had this knowing most did not understand. The hurt that I felt was lifted about being “strange, or a spawn of satan” for believing in my intuition, for believing in self, for believing that Jesus came to show us far more than what I was being taught in Sunday school; by her. I was so confused, and I was over ridden with fear that if I let myself be known I would surely be shunned. She helped me see that I was not cursed, but rather given a gift.

Still it took much work and time to release this fear of, “going to hell”

This is the way my Christian brothers and sisters deeply made me feel, my own family even. (My family weren’t even aware of it because I knew so young, I would often tell myself; “You cannot tell them, they will not understand”. ) For everything they taught me, taught me that what I was able to do from a babe, (the ability to see my crossed over loved ones, this knowing of things perhaps I should not know,) was a big NO-NO. I remember being young and trying to speak up about the things I were seeing in my dreams and in life. I received the pat on the head, “what an imagination” reply.

I kept storing and hiding who I was.

Judy helped me see, that I had been bestowed with a gift. A gift I began to learn and study. I began to find the answers to the things I questioned and stored in the Rolodex for a later date. Through this time I found my connection with my indigenous roots and began defining what spirit/divine meant to me. I never stepped away from Jesus but I did step away from sharing his love in the form of scripture.

This equipped me with even more armor. I got even more flack from the Christian community. Rather than asking me what my view or stance was they formed opinions because I chose to simply say love, and step in nature.  I also began sharing more and more that I was a modern-day medicine woman. That I believed God was nature and so much more.  I began to learn other ways. This scared many. I lost many, still do. Further I dug into nature and finding/defining Me.

I could not understand how these educated people could not understand I was not doing wrong. After all, God is ALL. I am__________. <<<<< see this space here. infinite is this space, and the number of things to put into it. I let their fear, seep to me, and rarely would I say Jesus’ name. I have always said and will always say I am a believer. Because, I am. I can admit though I feared Jesus, not because of him, but because of the very people who tout his name to prove goodness in their life. I was afraid of my fellow Christians and what they would think of me, for being me.

How could they not see that they were far from living like Christ? Knowing scripture does not mean you know Christ. When God sent Jesus he sent love to the Earth. New information. As I grew, or even still today, when people call me ‘New Age’ I say thanks, but I am ‘New Testament’. Either way or either explanation really makes no difference to me but I hope to plant seeds that get people thinking. Why fear this new age we are in after all?

I was digging deep into living like Christ, connecting to christ consciousness, and finding out what this truly meant to me. I went within. I kept spreading love. I allowed the opinions of others to not affect me like I had before. But, the truth was I was still residing in fear. Fear to share that I can be a shaman and love Jesus. I stood in the middle of two groups who feared me. This makes it difficult to release fear fully all alone, now take into consideration being an empath and feeling things not of ones own, double whammy.

Fast forward to where we are now. I learned, I grew, I have been studying the divine in many forms for years now. More importantly, I released the fear. I have discovered who I am. I am no longer willing to hide to make someone comfortable. I will no longer store or shame myself for another. I am that I am. I am. 

Through meditation one day, Jesus came to me.

“It is time to come back to me.” 

I heard this clear as day.

“It is time to come back to me, release the fear to share, and come back to me”

When spirit speaks,  I listen.. I began looking for a church home. God placed The Venues in my lap in February of this year. I could not have found a more perfect place to “go back”. I sure never thought it would be surrounded by reformed southern Baptist. Yet, here we are.

Spirit told me not to fear or leave behind all that I have learned. I was to trust my intuition and all of the path both behind and before me. It was time to go back. Time to release the fear of being judged by my christian brothers and sisters. It was time to trust that God placed me on the path she did for a reason. It was time to be the seed planter I was born to be. Time to be the light warrior that these years past have prepared me for. I am ready for battle. Ready for more. Ready to walk the walk that Jesus came to show us. Ready to teach. Ready to share. Ready to love.

It is amazing to find a place to call home within a congregation of people who understand love, who are willing to truly walk the walk of Christ.  Unwavering, unconditional love; the love Jesus is, and came to show us. I have known , I have felt, I believe. I see not many will really understand me, finally I am okay with that. I am confident in who I am. I am sure in my stance. I trust where spirit leads me. I will go. I will go. I will go.  I am complex, a paradox wrapped in an enigma, but I see they WILL love. They will accept and they will step in the foots steps of Christ to the best of their ability and that is pretty stinking spectacular.

I could share countless alignments and stories of the beauty the divine shows me daily. This magic and awe I speak of, there is truly nothing like it.

Each day this year has been about really settling into who SHANDA came to be. It has been a year about truly closing MANY chapters so that I can begin writing the series ahead. I am ready to share what spirit has bestowed upon me. I am elated to “be back”.

Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend who is not a believer. She can admit there is something bigger, but she cannot say or agree on just what. Many with this thinking relate to the agnostic way. The conversation had more context but led to this. No matter how you want to look at life you can’t deny the eeriness of the fact that when people down in the dumps bring Christ into their life things begin to change.

Why is this?

Something to think about…

Positive thought alone. I can’t agree. And, I believe in positive thought and laws of the universe. I believe science. I understand many different view point. Still I like to study things from many angles. I see that many things are one in the same. Humans and telephone game complex things. Oh, how there is much that I see. I could go on and on. There is much I want to share, much I am finally ready to share.

It feels good to be back. It feels good to feel comfort in my spirituality. I feel spirit flowing through me. I know I am where I belong because God moves me in the sanctuary. Life is aligning I am meeting people. Appointments in my business are at an all time low and I am elated about it! Ha, I feel it is simply opening my doors to help and serve more. I am digging deep into faith and knowing that I am provided for.

My path is a path of service. I am a warrior of light. I am a lover of Christ. I am a believer in our Earth mother. I am that I am. No longer will I hide. I surrender, I release. I step away from fear. Stepping into love, saturated in light.

Will you join me?

Don’t let smelly christians push you away from Christ. Step into the smelly goodness of Jesus. Watch life transform. It is a magic like no other. View life through child like eyes. View life through love. Send love. Be love. Love. See, feel, BE the love that he came to teach us.

I love you! Yes, YOU. Jesus does too!!

I’m back. Still me, just stepping out of fear!

Stepping fully into LOVE.




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