For the past few years I have been working on a manuscript, or two, but always seem to find myself getting caught up in the middle with stories of my past (which is not what my book is intended for), but they seem to want to seep through. There have been many occasions where I come to this platform to release these stories, all I could muster was to type, and delete, repeat.
Type, delete, type delete; why the delete?
As an empath I feel strongly the pains, emotions, and feelings of those around me. Sometimes so much so, that it becomes debilitating in my own life. Learning this trait in myself was a huge game changer, to know that all these feelings I was feeling, and deciphering were not always all my own. Phew, talk about a relief to know one is not bat shit crazy, simply over empathetic. But, no relief in the feeling of worry; worrying over the pain I may cause to someone else, worried and considerate of the words I put out for the world to see. Who was I really worried about? My family.
I worried that the truth about my sadness would cause heart ache within them. I see now, that I was not ready to share those stories from a place of responsibility for my own life. Ho’oponopono medicine teaches us to take full responsibility for the lives we create. It forces us to view life through the eyes of the creator, of it. We are the creators of everything in our lives, so do we see this, or do we deny this? When I accepted, revelations began to unfold, life began to open up.
I LOVE YOU
I AM SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
Before I go further I take full responsibility for all of my life! All of it!! The stories that I will share in the days and months ahead are not to hurt, or shame, they are simply to share. To release these things that really no longer serve me purpose. These are the stories in my life that helped define me. That I have kept within for many years in the name of “keeping things light”. As an activist for love, I chose to keep the nitty-gritty away from my feed. Mostly, because I was rewiring my own system to become addicted to the light, to love. If my words bring discomfort, I am sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. And, I thank you for being a part of my journey, for helping me with whatever realization our stories ignited. Thank you.
Taking it back to the year 1985, the year that this little light being requested a wiley “haole”(white) surfer boy and feisty Filipino from Hawaii to be her parents. Upon first entering this existence I would not know then that I was sent here to help them. Not until my adult years did I begin to see this. Actually up until then, I was a disease in their life, in my mind. I would later learn that without me, they would not have “survived” the death of my older brother, one of my guardian angels.
Joshua was his name. I never had the chance of meeting my big brother, I imagined him often as a child, but he passed only weeks after entering this world due to a doctor pushing my mother to deliver naturally, knowing his umbilical cord was too short; causing him to not receive that vital first breath of life. He was born in July, I was born the following September. I was what they call the “accident”, my mother ( can you blame her) was not ready to bring another being into this existence. I came anyway. From the beginning I had purpose, but it took many years for me to discover and trust this.
My earliest memories are from around the age of 2, in my younger years I remember praying to Joshua, thinking he could get the messages to God sooner, since he was already kicking it with the “big guy”. Life was as good as it could be for a two year old, I was loved and cuddled, but for whatever reason I had this feeling of not belonging, and I would beg Joshua to trade me places. I remember this so vividly. I honestly remember most of my life with this kind of awareness. I was young, but I remember the fights my parents would have, I remember the late night screams of two young adults who were suffering, trying to raise a tiny human being, with no time to grieve the one they just lost. I took the responsibility, even as a babe, I felt like I was the reason they hurt.
I never conveyed this growing up. I just accepted that they wish they had Joshua and not me, or at least so I thought. (Even though I was young, do you see the pattern I began to create, the feeling of alienation that I would later feel in life, started with me) Now, to be gentle with myself, I do feel that empaths, healers, and lightworkers have to go through some SHIT to get the comparison needed to go forth and heal. But, I did not know this at the time, and I would scream to the heavens,
“Why am I here? I don’t belong here! Please take me instead.”
My earliest memory of doing this was around 4 years of age.
Later I would learn that pieces of myself are still deeply connected to our cosmic roots, causing the feeling of being alien to this world, I can admit, I still feel this at times. Seeing things in a way most humans cannot even fathom, kinda makes me alien. Funny how perspective changes it all.
But, back to cursing at the heavens, I would cry and beg God to just take me home. I did not understand why I was born to a family that “did not want me”, although up until this point they did not push this feeling on me, this was all the thoughts of a tiny babe alone. Absorbing the atmosphere around me and forming opinions of my own. Little did I know then, that I was actually absorbing the sadness of my parents, of their loss, I was helping transmute this energy in a way only empaths can understand; I just did not have the vocabulary to define my deeds.
This part of my existence was very minimal in my early years, life in Hawaii was actually rather magical. It is not the faults of my parents that I was aware of so much at a young age, forming thoughts like this, all while sucking my thumb, taking it all in from my play pen. How could they have known I was absorbing so much?
Agh, life in Hawaii, I feel so blessed to have been born in such a beautiful place in this world. The vibration of Hawaii helped heal our hearts and souls. We were grounded in Hawaii, it wasn’t until moving to Missouri that life became a complete shit storm, I will get to that in time. But, I really am thankful that my family started their journey in Hawaii. I truly believe the magic and energy of that place helped keep my parents sane through this very difficult time in their lives. My father would tell you himself, he NEEDS the ocean in his life. The story will unfold the details and proof of this!
I can almost say with too much confidence if Missouri would have happened sooner in our existence, I would not be here. I would have succumb to weakness. I would have taken the lonely way out, the lost way out. Very thankful for Hawaii, it seems silly to thank an island, visit Hawaii and you will see. I promise, the energy shifts above the clouds. When one lands, you can feel the energy lift. Not just because you are in a tropical place, there really is something different there. Everyone must go if they can.
In the days ahead, life in Hawaii.
Life growing up was not all the horror and sadness I have shared above. There was also much joy and love. I have always joked and been told, that I was an enigma, wrapped by cloud of mystery, riding a unicorn through a conundrum of this existence we call life. HA! Whatever the heck that means, although I know quite well what it implies. I have proven this to be true.I can relate to many, and get along with most anyone, but I still often feel this feeling of not quite “fitting in”. Only now, I just love to learn and grow with all I meet. I have learned that we do not need to see eye to eye on it all to get along. I have learned that if you cannot accept me for who I am, we do not need to waste one anothers time in this existence, and it is perfectly okay to not fit in. There actually many times I happy to not do so.
Ho’oponopono to take responsibility of the life we have created. I am thankful to have been so aware. I am thankful that I came in still uploaded with much of my information. I am thankful that the sadness created a veil for the time that it needed to. I am thankful that I felt so alone as a babe because it would make me so much stronger as a woman. I am thankful that God allowed me to stay. I am thankful that I had Joshua to share with, when I thought no one else in my family would listen.
Thankful for the message to release.
Have a wonderful day you lovely fine folk, you. I hope it is filled with exactly what you need. Whatever that may be, I hope it finds its way to you.
My goal is to release every morning, until I am done. I accept all that must flow in the pages to follow. I allow them to be. I promise myself not to delete in fear of passer byers. If you read this, I love you. That is all you need to gain, I love you. This is my story. This is my purpose. This is MY path. I share, to let go. To truly let go. Releasing here, to change the story ahead. My story has already began to change, I am just finally ready to authentically share.
Light and love to all of you! Thank you for stopping by!
Kisses~ Shanda K