This is for my family. For the ones I love but just do not understand me. For the ones who will probably never even read my blog….*hopefully*…*fingers crossed*….
Why can’t they see that I am doing work through our creator. That I am blessed with a gift, an understanding, that I feel God is using me as one of his many messengers of our time. They see my “hippie” ways as me being lost. My love for nature and healing our selves naturally as part of a “religion”. One of my family members actually told me the other day that being into the “herbalist” stuff was fine and all but don’t make it my religion. Since when was God not a part of all that “herbalist” stuff? Since when is man’s ruling, judgment, law, or say so in any matter been the “real way”? It’s peculiar that people like my conservative family have God sooo figured out but they contradict themselves to the beliefs they practice. It’s confusing when I watch/talk to them one minute our god is understanding and loving….the next he will punish you at the drop of a hat and is out there waiting for you to fail. I just can’t believe it. Even more so I can’t believe how naive my family can be. Should I have to feel like I can never tell them I am a Shaman….a worker for our Creator…they just wouldn’t understand. How can people who have so much faith have no faith in the fact that any of my “intuitive/psychic” talents come from God. That I am a messenger for him. I have just decided to take it a little further then they have….can’t they see that? I sit and listen to them preach to me about what God wants from me, what he expects….BUT…the moment I tell them I know what God wants from me, he is telling me and showing me through signs and messages…all of a sudden that becomes “voodoo” or “witchery”. Come on…really…are you still so blinded by this society man has created! Do you really think I am joining the forces of evil?! ME?! It drives me nuts. At the same token I do just sit and listen to their opinion. I never argue my point ( with them) I feel like it’s a fight with a lost cause. We are already barking up the same tree, we have just chose different branches to get there. I love my family and I hope they love me ( for me) ( I know they love me but you get my drift). I am going to close with a poem I wrote. I just hope that if members of my family, that worry about the paths that I take, come across my blog and see things about altars, rituals, meditation that they not jump to conclusion or assume they know me. Do not fear for my life after death…I KNOW WHERE I WILL BE! Do not worry that I am being lead into a direction away from our Creator….from the being you call God. Open your eyes to see that I meditate by sitting next to trees…you meditate by reading your bible. There is no difference! One works for you…one works for me! This what makes life so special. What makes God truly Awesome! He loves the diversity in all of us. We are his projections onto this earth and the more unique and colorful they are I feel he likes the better! You have your opinion. I have mine. Instead of arguing or trying to change one another…let’s love one another for who we truly are. Who we truly desire to be. Who god has led us to be. AND…if you get to the know the me that I am and still disagree…then so it shall be. I cannot control it. I cannot keep beating my self out of doing what I love because the voices/judgments of others rattle through my brain. I cannot keep letting others stop the real me from shining through. Angels I ask you to take this fear from me and leave it here in my blog. Allow me to move forward and concur MY Shanda”ness”. No more analyzing my truth. No more fear that my family will disown me…if they feel this is necessary so be it. I am tired of being on this pendulum of funk back and forth good & busy one week…nothing the next. I don’t care anymore what they think of me. Call me crazy. Call me a hippie. Think my “herbalist” “religion” is weird. This is who I am. This is who I am compelled with every fiber of my being to be. This is me!
Ok here is the poem I was going to close with..umm fifty sentences ago LOL….it just came to me one day and I need to remind myself of the message I was given. And just leave it here in the hopes that my family will see I am not a lost soul. I actually have a lot of purpose maybe you just need to open your minds a little….
I am ME! Sitting,pondering what I have been drawn here to write. Let the
words flow through my body no hesitation. No fight. Confrontation never solves.
Leaves you standing angry and alone. I pledge to be the difference. Never
carrying a bone…to pick words that are harmful. I will not be the one throwing
stones. I have so much love to give. I feel it pouring through my soul. I
understand my purpose. I see my ultimate goal. You may not understand me. I do
not ask you to agree. All I simply ask is see me for ME! Before you pass
judgment or think you know where I have been. You do not know my story, so,
perhaps we could be friends? Remember I am human…HE knows that I will sin.
Your neighbor, mother and even best friend.. No one is perfect. I doubt you
could make it to the end. Never committing a sin. If you read this and
judge…already count yourself in. The glory of it all is there is nothing you
can do to turn HIM away unless you simply choose. It’s as simple as knowing. As
simple as saying I believe. Putting into action. Rolling up your sleeves. This
will be the day I aspire to be me. Not what others think of me but what HE knows
I can be. I will not persecute myself through the eyes of what others would like
to see. I am a child of light. For this I will fight. Not with fist. Nor with
words of ridicule and hate. Instead with love. Compassion. Words to feel
Great. Questions swirling and whirling around n’round my head. How will I share
what I have to give? If god were to give me an answer I know it would be … my
child ” SIMPLY LIVE”! Live in the image I have created for you to be. Live in my
image after all you are me! Use faith to guide you. Lead you where you want to
go. Endless possibilities. A never-ending road. How far down the path are you
willing to go? I will travel far beyond what the eye can see! I will travel on
that road of infinite possibility! I will be a flower in bloom when there is
nothing but gloom. I WILL be the light when I walk into a room! I do not think I
am better than you. I do not feel like I do more than you do. I do not know your
story or where you have been. I do know however you can count on this friend. I
do know I will be a shining light until the very end. In this life I can proudly
say….I AM ME!~Shanda